The I.M. Blog  ... I hope this blog will encourage and inspire you, enjoy!

Everyday Is A New Day...My Journey Through Anxiety

Last year, I had a small stroke, hospitalized 4 times in 5 months. Afterwards, it took a while to feel physically normal, 7 months to be exact but also emotionally I was riddled with Anxiety. So much so, that most days, it was difficult for me to engage with my children, work, think, be a friend or accept friendship. I'd had anxiety before, here and there nothing major, I would talk myself down, but when I had the stroke, I couldn't talk myself down even though some of the symptoms were alike. I called, 911, and that was just the beginning, little did I know it would be easier to change my diet, go to my appointments, exercise than to deal with Anxiety. 

My motto was/is "I will try anything at least once as long as it doesn't kill me and if it does, then I wouldn't know." (sounds a bit insane but 99% true) I wanted to share this with you because I went through a great deal of anxiety after being ill. I was too scared to leave my house (so not me) but also too scared to stay at home alone for fear of having a major stroke. I was afraid to be alone with my kids AND afraid to be by myself. My kids would take turns sleeping with me in the bed, on the floor next to the bed, or right outside my door. My ex would come and sit on the sofa until I fell asleep, because i didn't want to be alone with the kids. I would leave my house confident, start driving, I would start to feel weird, turn around and go home, get on my sofa and stop. I couldn't figure out why this was happening, I had changed my diet, gotten a clean bill of health and a recovery time period from my physicians, and thanks to Jackie Madison (kindred spirit, friend/sister for eternity) and her Glamour Girl Fitness program, I was on my way to exercising and managing my health, but still...ANXIETY. 

There were many days when I genuinely was not feeling well, but there were those days of feeling pretty good that Anxiety stepped in and stopped me from doing anything. This went on for months, each day Anxiety showed up, afterwards I would say to myself... "hmmm still alive chick, surely you can't be having a stroke EVERYDAY!! lol! Wow! this is a trip." It helped me to see that everyday was yet a new day, in spite of the fear. Everyday, I had an opportunity to within the hours of sanity to continue to move forward and when it was time to shut it down, me and Anxiety had a date to sit on the couch and not do anything but freak out, distract myself with foreign films and music then relax! Eventually that time of immobility moved to reflection, meditation, studying harmonious lifestyles, reconnecting with me and my undeniable truth and listening. 

Anxiety and Self Care are like kissing cousins. Not close, but close enough to ponder if they really should be together. My anxiety taught me self care. After living an intense life for years, and making it seem normal, my mental state of mind told my body to just shut it down, even if it's from 5 - 10 everyday (which is oddly when it would start and stop),  just stop woman and do nothing. After a while, during those times, I really started to have moments of clarity, it was weird, I was literally afraid to get off the sofa, but found solace in meditating about life. I was afraid to take my daughter to work 5 mins away, get back, get on the sofa afraid and would be in deep thought and have feelings of excitement about life. This was the time that God spoke things very clear to me and I listened, my spirit was connected, life seemed more doable than ever.  He gave me clarity like no other time. 

Everything in life has it's purpose, I'm no guru but I truly believe that it does based on my personal experiences. I liken that time in my life to a  Lotus flower. Sinking in the murky pond and then beautifully blossoming at some point during the day. That period of my life was truly the best of times and the worst of times. The fear of which I'd never felt before and the clarity of which I'd always remember and stay true to. If you're facing a difficult time, going through anxiety, by all means get help if you need it, but also take a look at it as your body saying also to take care of yourself so you can live and enjoy this life that's before you! Much love to you all as we continue living our Innovative Mom life! 

I.M. Well