Fearless and Fearful
As a mom, my tag line would be... I HAVE NO FEAR! That is my claim to motherhood! When it comes to my kids I would literally fist fight a bear, butt naked in the middle of the woods blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back, standing on one foot. I would speak to millions of people, climb the highest mountain, (I'm afraid of heights), swim the ocean, even though I'm not that great of a swimmer, shut down the world if need be just for them. If you asked me what was holding me back, ME as a woman, as a person, as just Elena, I would have to say it was fear. It's quite ironic to be fearless and fearful. I've spoken to many moms who will say that they were afraid of speaking, starting a business, going back to school, putting themselves out there (where is there?), moving on, as it relates to them personally, however, will also say in the same sentence, but for my babies I would do...
Last year I'd made leaps and bounds in the overcoming fear department. I started conquering my inner fears one by one. I wasn't a perfect mom, but I was pretty good at it and my kids loved me unconditionally, started my own business, realized that I wasn't too broken to love or be loved, I didn't quite resemble Quasimodo and I just might get a date 6 years after my divorce, that God has given me everything I need to start and complete the visions and goals that are a part of my destiny, and so much more, but..... Over the past couple of months, I had health issues and everything that I thought was progress turned into fear, angst, and anxiety. It was non-stop. Everyday there was this fear of being alone with my kids thinking that something would happen to me, I reevaluated all of my evaluations and then reevaluated those, I didn't want to leave my home. Yes, the #Outside10 chick that lives by a nomadic gypsy spirit wanted to just be at home, quietly living a very guarded life. I stopped talking to friends so that I could regroup, I wasn't being a part of the very things that helped me throughout the year to jumpstart my fearlessness.
A couple of nights ago, I felt horrible, I was achy, tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and just plain worn out. I went to bed early, woke up around 4 feeling just as shitty as I did when I went to bed. However, as I was praying (yes I said shitty and praying in the same paragraph, don't judge me), as I was praying, it came to me that fear has no place here in my life. In order to carry out the things that have been given to ME, fear literally has no place. I'm not talking about walking alone in a dark ally with just a toothpick in your hand fear, I'm talking about afraid to live, reach, do, go, conquer, and be the person that you were created to be kind of fear. That my dear Innovative Moms has no place our lives. So I decided that along with my MOM fearlessness, I will continue to develop my ME fearlessness, challenging myself to conquer one fear at a time. What's on the horizon, I don't quite know, but my expectations say something great is coming and I'm ready for it!
This Blog is dedicated to all of my friends who love me unconditionally and kept sending me text, calls, and experiments to uplift me without really knowing what was going on, not realizing that you were really a beacon for me in such a weird, funky place and I appreciated each of you beyond what you could possibly imagine.
To Victoria, Lauren ,Kathryn ,Justin and Aaron who's given me MOM fearlessness and then helped me to realized my ME fearlessness. To Monina, an incredible Innovative Mom, who's so very dear to my heart that words can't begin to express how much I love and treasure our friendship, who has a quiet spirit but an incredibly tenacious and innovative outlook on life and constantly supports, loves and encourages me no matter where she is in the world!. ...To Cathy who told me a couple of weeks ago "this isn't you living, you have a lot to offer the world of moms, hell you're The Innovative Mom!"